Speaking of offensive fb posts

[LovesongPoet]

Okay, so there's a classmate of mine who posts about politics CONSTANTLY. And he's a big republican, which is not my view, but whatever, he has the right to his opinions. So I never comment when he posts about the bad liberals or whatever, it's not worth it. Then, when he finally put a post about law and not politics, a friend of his (we'll call him A) posted this (and the following conversation ensued):

A: "I'm still amazed you jewed me to a 60/40 split, you cheap bastard."

So I posted (let's call me B): "Um. I don't know you, but did you really just use the word, "jewed"? Do you honestly think that's okay?"

And then, someone else posted (we'll call him C): "In A's defense, he may not use p.c. language, but he is the only person I knew at [insert college here] who was welcomed by the black student union, jewish student union, women in learning leadership and so on. Anyway, he was just paying homage to my excellent negotiating skills, and I can guarantee you that he meant no disrespect to Jews."

B: "Dude, that's like saying "I'm not a racist, I know black people!" This isn't a case of P.C.-ness. That's downright offensive. I don't know anything about him, but honestly, i don't think it matters. That's a really offensive term, and the fact that he was "paying homage to your excellent negotiating skills" is really part of what's offensive about it. I'm not saying anything about A- I'm saying that there's no excuse for using that term like that. And honestly, your defense of it almost makes it worse."

C: "B, you really need to relax."

B: "Right. I'm the one with the problem here. Nope, not sorry that I speak up when somebody says something offensive about my religion."

G-D I-GERAPGHTIAHBTRIAOHBTAJORHBOTUAHOTHAR I AM SO MAD. And i hate being mad about anything related to facebook, but SERIOUSLY?? I mean, COME ON.

[central]

I'm with C when he says you really need to relax. For one, it's facebook. For two, you don't know these people or what their relationship is. And finally, get off facebook or remove them as friends if you don't like what they have to say.

[LovesongPoet]

I fail to see how their relationship matters. It was offensive - period. I really don't understand your (and c's) reaction. How is it that the response is that i should relax and not that he shouldn't say something so offensive? I don't care if he wasn't trying to be offensive - He was! And why does it matter that i don't know him? It's anti-semitic, so I said something. It's really frustrating that I'm being told to relax because I'm upset about something that i have a right to be upset about.

[Miranda]

I had a similar experience. And my general policy is: feel free the express your opinions (even if they are completely opposite from mine), but slurs are the limit for me.

Back when we all used AIM, a friend of mine from childhood has the following away message, "Grrr, I hate my stupid Jew of a boss." I'm sure she meant no harm, but it's not okay to use racial and ethnic slurs. It felt shitty for me because I am Jewish, but people don't always realize that, and more than once people have said offensive things about Jews because they didn't realize I was Jewish. It's weird for me because it's not something I think about so often, but every once and a while people will say something and I realize that, apparently, being Jewish IS "other," or not the norm.

I'm not sure the best way to handle your situaiton. I think replying via FB makes people defensive, and it's better to talk to people in person. But trust me, I feel your pain.

[upsidown]

I believe the Miss Manners approach (and fellow etiquette readers, correct me if I'm wrong) would be to ignore it and then post something about "things you don't realize may be offensive" as a link.

That is, if Miss Manners used facebook.

I, myself, would be tempted to write something sarcastic like, "This just in! Jewed is actually a racial slur against Jews! *The More You Know*"

[SpringFlowers]

Take comfort in the fact that instead of embarrassing himself on the street with his ignorant, bigoted comment, this genius has posted it on Facebook, where his future not-to-be-his-employers-after-all can see it!

[gearhead]

I agree that, regardless of your reaction (and I can't say I wouldn't have been tempted) the embarrassment factor for both of these people is huge. You could check your friend A's number of friends and watch it diminish, or truly get him out of your system and defriend him yourself (I've been doing a lot of this recently, for much lesser offenses, and it's very liberating).

[m00nshadow]

I have several people that I'm facebook friends with who are banned from my news stream. I don't want to flat-out unfriend them (for whatever reason), but they either overpost, or do the equivalent of forwarding stupid emails in their status lines, or I just don't want to hear about them unless I make the effort to find out. Sounds like your republican friend might be a good candidate for this category of "friend."

[liiz]

LSP, I think you were in the right. I think people sometimes forget the power of words and occasionally need to reminded of what they're saying means. It's also easy for people for whom certain terms (like "gay", "jew", "retard" whatever) do not hit personally to push it aside with "relax, it's just the internet."

A similar thing happened to my best friend from high school very recently. A random high school classmate who had "friended", like, everyone in our graduating class posted a status update in which he called someone a "gay bitch."

My friend, who is gay (but who was not fully out in high school), responded snarkily and in a way that made it clear that (1) he is gay and (2) that use of that term, while seemingly "acceptable" to some people was extremely hurtful to others. It was very effective as the guy personally apologized to my friend, deleted the offensive post, and then wrote a short apology. The beauty of his response was that it was short and to the point, but not overly emotional... which I think kept the guy from immediately becoming defensive.

I also agree with the other poster who said to just delete and/or block their status updates. If you wouldn't want to listen to someone's bullshit in person, why should you have to read it on the internet?

[mapgirl]

i have done the same thing with a couple of friends that post all the time about politics that i don't agree with (remove from news feed). i still like them, and they are entitled to their opinion, i just don't want to hear it. on the other hand, i have also removed people that are not close friends that i have realized by things they say, that i wouldn't want to be friends with them.

i'm not really sure where i stand on the 'racist' comments. i sometimes say things that could very likely be considered 'offensive' if it weren't for my friends realizing that i'm sarcastic and harsh. but i also say stereotypical/racist/put people in their box sort of shit about my own gender/race/background. unfortunately, many stereotypes are there for a reason. i am careful about who i am that sarcastic around, and would never say that kind of shit on facebook, for fear of offending or hurting someone unintentionally. i also use facebook to have fun and talk with friends, not get on my political soapbox (although sometimes that's hard when i read some of the shit that gets posted).

however, not FB related, i put my foot in my mouth on new years. any of my friends that know me, know i am about as non-straight friendly as a totally straight girl can get. i went to a new years eve party with my new roommate and all the men but 2 were gay. well, i've been single and fairly anti-social lately was looking forward to getting all dolled up and going out for new years. in my drunken state, i said something to the effect of "dammit, why aren't there any straight men here? fml!" and apparently now some of them think I am not gay safe. god dammit. i fucking spoke at a trans rally at smith. i sat in as the ally at LBTQA panels. i have nothing against gay people other than me not getting laid on new years!!! wtf??? not really sure how to fix that one! and part of me thinks they were blowing it out of proportion, but on the other hand, they do not know me, so how are they to know whether i'm a true asshole or not. hmmph.

I have several people that I'm facebook friends with who are banned from my news stream. I don't want to flat-out unfriend them (for whatever reason), but they either overpost, or do the equivalent of forwarding stupid emails in their status lines, or I just don't want to hear about them unless I make the effort to find out. Sounds like your republican friend might be a good candidate for this category of "friend."

[moonlitdorian]

however, not FB related, i put my foot in my mouth on new years. any of my friends that know me, know i am about as non-straight friendly as a totally straight girl can get. i went to a new years eve party with my new roommate and all the men but 2 were gay. well, i've been single and fairly anti-social lately was looking forward to getting all dolled up and going out for new years. in my drunken state, i said something to the effect of "dammit, why aren't there any straight men here? fml!" and apparently now some of them think I am not gay safe. god dammit. i fucking spoke at a trans rally at smith. i sat in as the ally at LBTQA panels. i have nothing against gay people other than me not getting laid on new years!!! wtf??? not really sure how to fix that one! and part of me thinks they were blowing it out of proportion, but on the other hand, they do not know me, so how are they to know whether i'm a true asshole or not. hmmph.

While I wouldn't find that particular statement offensive in any way, I would like to point something out. Being an ally does not mean that you can't screw up or express a viewpoint that is offensive ever again. There is no identity or thing that you can be that will keep you from saying or doing things which are in some way "wrong."

[mapgirl]

however, not FB related, i put my foot in my mouth on new years. any of my friends that know me, know i am about as non-straight friendly as a totally straight girl can get. i went to a new years eve party with my new roommate and all the men but 2 were gay. well, i've been single and fairly anti-social lately was looking forward to getting all dolled up and going out for new years. in my drunken state, i said something to the effect of "dammit, why aren't there any straight men here? fml!" and apparently now some of them think I am not gay safe. god dammit. i fucking spoke at a trans rally at smith. i sat in as the ally at LBTQA panels. i have nothing against gay people other than me not getting laid on new years!!! wtf??? not really sure how to fix that one! and part of me thinks they were blowing it out of proportion, but on the other hand, they do not know me, so how are they to know whether i'm a true asshole or not. hmmph.

While I wouldn't find that particular statement offensive in any way, I would like to point something out. Being an ally does not mean that you can't screw up or express a viewpoint that is offensive ever again. There is no identity or thing that you can be that will keep you from saying or doing things which are in some way "wrong."

i'm not denying that i may have said something "wrong" to them, but that i find it ironic and a bit concerning that someone feels like i am not "gay safe". everyone screws up at some point, it's human.

[SpringFlowers]

On the other hand, it's a bit silly to assume that liking straight men (even to the point of being irritated that you can't meet any right this red-hot second) implies disliking gay men. It's doesn't. If it did, it would have been the logical equivalent to assume that all the gay men at the party dislike straight women.

Totally unrealted:

What the heck does FML mean? I'm at work and not heading for Urban Dictionary right now.

[curiositymaykill]

FML= fuck my life

made popular by a blog of the same name, where people share anecdotes about how much their lives suck/how much they suck.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/FMyLife

[LadyRed]

I try to not get into drama on fb. But my cousin called my mother an asshole. On facebook. WTH? Then when I called her on her petty pedantic shit, she outed me and threatened to tell grandma I'm gay. My response? "Yeah, she met my female fiance in college and admitted to making out with women when she was in college. I really don't think grandma is going to care." I then blocked her so I don't have to see her shit anymore. Problem solved!

[SpringFlowers]

Or you could just not be on Facebook at all!

*gloats*

[mapgirl]

THANK YOU!!!! wtf am i the bad guy here?

i just totally got into saying "fuck my life" from my lil sister over christmas. she told a ridiculous story and it's sticking

On the other hand, it's a bit silly to assume that liking straight men (even to the point of being irritated that you can't meet any right this red-hot second) implies disliking gay men. It's doesn't. If it did, it would have been the logical equivalent to assume that all the gay men at the party dislike straight women.

Totally unrealted:

What the heck does FML mean? I'm at work and not heading for Urban Dictionary right now.

[huzzah!]

LSP -

I also don't think you need to relax. Perhaps an "emotional" retort on FB wasn't the best way to change your friend's mind, but I don't think it's unreasonable to respond strongly to racial slurs or other deeply offensive stuff - it's not a "misunderstanding," it's offensive.

I'm not Jewish, and I don't look at all Jewish, and no one ever mistakes me for Jewish, and I'm amazed at how many anti-semetic things people say. There's no question non-Jewish people say them much more when they think no one who is Jewish is around. And they always get so surprised when I get so angry. Although I'm not one to get all over-excited about PCness, I do think our culture - at least around where I live - is much, much more anti-semetic than anyone would ever admit to.

You gotta speak up. I'd unfriend the bastard, for sure.