What would you do

[guest]

I'm a poster on this forum, but I'm not using my name for obvious purposes.

I've never cheated on a girl before. I haven't yet. I'm completely in love with my girlfriend of a year.

For the first time ever, I'm starting to feel antsy. It's got nothing to do with her. I just seem to... wander. There's no one in particular, I just... have the urge when I'm out without her. I don't act on it- I usually say to whatever girl that I'm talking to that I have a girlfriend right away so that i don't have to deal with it. I don't know if there's actually any chance I'd ever do it, but I'm unnerved because it's never been like this before. What the hell is happening to me??

And also, do I talk to my gf about it? Or is that an unnecessary way of hurting her? i'm just confused

[guest11]

My first question is now many other long term relationships have you had? If you've had several and never felt this way then maybe there is something lacking in your current relationship that part of you is trying to satisfy elsewhere. Try marinating on aspects of your relationship (rather than the relationship as a whole) to see what it is you might be searching for. Then you could try addressing that issue with the gf rather than up front say you worry you might cheat. Addressing something you want to make better is a productive way to help the relationship. Telling her you are worrying about fidelity is NOT. The only good that does is get your worries off your chest, which really only serves to help you...not her or the relationship.

[guest]

I'm the OP. I've had several long term relationships - I'm in my mid-20s, and this is my 4th relationship to last over a year, one of which last over 3. That's partially why I'm so confused. This is one of my better relationships - we're really good for each other, and the sex is amazing still and often, and we get along great. I really have nothing to complain about, other than that I wish we were more equal financially. But that's being dealt with as much as possible. I mean, my last relationship before this was fairly terrible comparatively, terrible sex life, and I didn't feel urges to be with anyone else basically until the relationship was over.

I think that's the main problem- i'd have no problem talking to her about some sort of issue we were having in the relationship. I'm confident she'd be receptive and willing to work on whatever it may be- but honestly, i can't point to anything. Everything is pretty good between us. It's possible that i'm going through something that i'm not even aware of that is a problem, but i have no idea what it could be.

[stacy]

has something in your life changed--a new job or grad program, moving to a new city, something going on with your family or friends? maybe your unsettled feeling is coming from something completely unrelated to the relationship. or perhaps you're feeling this way because one of you is changing or growing and the other is staying the same.

I also think it's quite normal in a long-term relationship to go through periods where you're more and less into your S.O. The question is how you cope with it. If you want to stay in the relationship, then you have to be mature and figure out ways for you to start enjoying her more, or getting the variety you need just from her (role-playing? spending more time apart? a new hobby? I have no idea what will work for you). And if you realize that those things aren't working or you don't want to be in a relationship anymore, that's ok too. Just don't cheat on her--that's a miserable thing to do.

[unhyp]

Is it the commitment that is scaring you? Don't beat yourself up about the crushes- they are probably telling you something not about your girlfriend or even your relationship (as you say you are quite happy with both), but about your personal needs. Meeting someone fantastic - and settling into relationship rhythms- can be stressful, especially if your previous lifestyle was very different. Prior to settling down with my current GF, my day-to-day activities as a single person were, shall we say, much more exciting than they are now. I wouldn't give up my relationship with my gf to go back to those days, but I can certainly sympathize with feeling nostalgic for the excitement and freedom of being single. It has to do not only with "being available"- but also with the craziness and fun of living in a world of possibility and being accountable only to yourself.

Could it be that these crushes are a symptom of this kind of feeling? I would say that for the long term health of your relationship- if you want it to be a long term relationship - you need to figure out what unmet need you're getting from these crushes- and find a way to incorporate that into your relationship. If it's freedom and excitement you're looking for, now is the time to establish a precedent of openness and honesty with your partner about being attracted to other people ("Lady gaga is so hot", "our bartender last night was smokin"). This kind of conversation is healthy for all relationships- irregardless of whether you practice monogamy.

[huzzah!]

If things are going so well in your relationship, and there's no object in mind when you feel antsy, more of just a general feeling, I wonder if maybe it's just that your relationship is great, long-term, and therefore scary.

You mentioned you've had plenty of lt relationships already, but it sounds like at least one of them was bad. Maybe you're not used to having things so good, and your heart/brain doesn't know what to do.

I know that sounds a little crazy, but I just had a friend go through the same thing, which is why I suggest it.